(ongoing edits) – combination of two poems

i know i allow the wallowing to continue. i don’t know
how to shake it. yesterday i bought tea advertised as a “tension tamer”
and another that claimed “mood boosting effects.” both were terrible
without sugar but sugar makes me anxious. i drank them both thick
with honey and found myself fingers wrapped around the dog’s ears
like you’d yank a ponytail. i am not normally like this. it is the first day
of the season of snowmelt and i am walking home from a job
i don’t quite hate. there are people on the sidewalks again, their jackets
unbuttoned, hands without gloves. i just saw a person’s ears outside
for the first time in months. one of the many delights of spring.
the last light is touching the tops of houses and i have been walking
a long time. the key is don’t stop nobody gets away by being the fastest
they do it by stayingin motion. a man’s coat touches my arm as we pass
and instead of saying sorry i almost tell him i think i need help. how
do you say it’s the season we remember this city doesn’t suck, but i think
winter and i grew too close this year. it is only a feeling. maybe things
are going too well and i just need to be taken down
a notch. maybe my brain is forgetting to make the right stuff. a friend
tells me if my life was really as great as i say it is i wouldn’t feel
so shitty all the time. you are feeling how you are feeling for some reason,
she says. i want to smack her. my feet are soaked and i don’t have
the patience for this.
everything is wet even my face but the salt streaks
are not explained by this puddle season. if anyone asks, i will blame
the trees dripping their melt. it feels good to pretend someone might ask.
this is all so self indulgent, this drinking tea ’til sloshy, finding reasons
to punish the dog, staying sad. this staying at all.

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